evaleen (tintedclouds) wrote in silverpavements,

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[exo] home is a place with you.

☆ sehun/luhan

☆ 930~ w

☆ pg-13
☆ romance, angst

☆ warning (highlight to see): character death(s)

★ inspired by hair for hope. two of my schoolmates joined and idk i just felt like writing something dedicated to them.

★ this is word vomit tbh

it’s cancer.

the doctor’s words replay themselves over and over again in sehun’s mind.


sehun grips luhan’s hand tightly as luhan stares at the wall blankly. fluid flows through the intravenous tube slowly and torturously. time is non-existent as they wait for chemo time to be over.

when luhan gags, he holds out the plastic container for luhan to puke into; a side effect of chemo, the nurse tells sehun calmly as she pats luhan’s back. it’s normal. sehun can only nod robotically.

it’s not normal. the world isn’t right, because luhan isn’t okay.

sehun’s world isn’t right, because luhan isn’t okay.


“i don’t want to eat,” luhan insists. he refuses the cupcake that sehun bought and pushes it away from him.

sehun is silent. then, he picks the cupcake up and eats it in two bites.

“we’ll go home then,” sehun smiles at luhan.

(luhan thinks that the smile seems a little forced.)


luhan sleeps a lot. a lot more than his usual days. more than once, sehun has caught him dozing off while watching his favourite anime.

he sleeps when it’s lunch time; he sleeps when it’s dinner time, but he’s always awake at the weirdest times. like that time when he woke sehun up at 1 am so he could fix him dinner. needless to say, sehun doesn’t get much sleep that night.

he goes to work with eyebags. jongin, his fellow dancer, eyes him with pity.

“bad night?” he asks.

“yeah,” sehun mumbles. jongin doesn’t reply.


luhan stares at sehun, eyebrows furrowed.

“it’s our anniversary today?” luhan asks, confused. he runs a hand through his hair and sehun watches, horrified, as a bunch of hair falls out through his fingers.

luhan looks at the hair in his hands for a long time, and sehun helps him keep it all in a ziplock bag.


the days when sehun can pat luhan’s hair and say, hey, your hair’s really fluffy today! are over. he runs his palm over luhan’s smooth scalp, eyes glassy.

luhan lets his final, remaining lock of hair slip onto the floor, before he is pulled into sehun’s chest.

they stay that way for the rest of the day.


luhan’s cancer has finally worsened and he has to be admitted into hospital to stay for the duration of his disease. his room is a horrible place, filled with so many mangled dreams and hopes that the patients wanted but never had because life is unfair.

he touches his head every day, and comforts himself with the fact that there are other people out there like him. sehun brings him his favourite porridge and day by day, he watches as luhan finishes lesser and lesser of the porridge. the other patients always stare at them whenever sehun comes to visit.

“cherish your time together. there’s not much left,” a patient whispers to sehun as he passes by her bed on his way out of the room. he can feel hot tears gathering at the corner of his eyes, and he pretends that the tear tracks on his face are nothing but sweat.

no one’s convinced, least of all himself.


baekhyun’s surprised when sehun walks into his hairdresser shop on a rainy morning. he’s frantic and moving about so much that baekhyun has to put his hands on his shoulders and force him down onto a chair.

“what do you want me to do with your hair?” baekhyun asks as he drapes a towel onto sehun’s shoulders.

sehun turns to him, a fierce look in his eyes. “cut off every single bit of it.”

ten minutes later, sehun leaves, completely bald. baekhyun rushes after him to give him a packet of his shaven off hair.


he ignores all the stares from the other patients and instead heads directly towards luhan’s bed when he steps into the ward. luhan’s mouth is agape.

“why?” luhan whispers brokenly, stroking sehun’s head. sehun lifts his head to fix him with a gaze.

“i wanted to show you that even if you have problems and you’re gonna leave me, i’ll still love you. just like how my hair’s gone and i’m bald, but my head’s still here for you to stroke.”

luhan manages a laugh. “that’s like, the cheesiest thing ever.”

sehun grins, and presses his lips to luhan’s.

(his lips are cold today.)


sehun wheels luhan back home. they have requested that he stay at home instead of in the hospital.

the road back home is bumpy.

“sehun-ah, why couldn’t we- cough- take a cab home,” luhan whines hoarsely.

“because i wanted to show you that even if loving you is difficult, like wheeling you along the road, i’ll still stick with you,” sehun tells luhan seriously.

“i swear to god that you’re getting cheesier and cheesier these days.”

“but you still love me,” sehun laughs.

luhan forces his lips up into a smile. “yeah, i do.”

forever and always.


luhan passes away in his sleep.

for the rest of the day, sehun doesn’t do anything. he just sits next to luhan’s still body and grips his hand tightly, just like how he did during the first session of chemotherapy.

“we’re home, but i don’t know where you are,” sehun whispers sadly. “i’m not home unless you’re around.”

home is a place with you, but now that you’re gone, i don’t have a home.

those are the unspoken words that sehun doesn’t say out loud.

{ please come back to me }

“i’m coming home, luhan. i’m coming home.”

and sehun’s world goes black.


a/n: these are some of the side effects of chemo. chemo works to kill the cancerous cells and avoid the normal ones, but not all the normal ones escape. so there are such side effects. examples would be hair loss, anemia (causing fatigue and tiredness more often than usual), infection (more susceptible to sicknesses), difficulty concentrating, loss of appetite, and a lot more. to those cancer patients and their family members, please stay strong. you’re not alone in this fight.

Tags: angst, exo, romance, selu
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